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Sometimes I feel like a .................... Disease !!

Date: 26-Sep-2018

WHO.

WHO who ?

World Health Organisation. That's who (Or WHO) monitors the health of the world, world over.  Right from an innocuous boil on my bum to travelogues of Nipah virus, everything is monitored, analysed and recommendations made on how to suffer diseases without dying. Depending upon latitude and longitude of the boil, I have to find comfortable sitting position and angle myself, treatment will be recommended by WHO.

WHO decided to define health before medical colleges were started, that’s my wild guess. I knew, and I believe everyone knows that one is healthy when one is not sick. Just to add a smart Alec twist, WHO said something like – health is not just absence of disease, but well being of physical, mental and spiritual status. Thanks to this spiritual angle, vodkas and gins have regularly added to my well being. WHOfficially.

No one wants to have disease. Diseases make people sick. Best avoided.

I was born premature by couple of weeks. That made me weak. I was not diseased, I was slight. Always the small kid in the class. I had my primary education under a large tree in a village school.  Since the times of Buddha, trees became the favorite spots of enlightenment seekers. There was another boy in my class who was the same stature. Very soon, our physical training instructor discovered his favorite pastime – everyday wrestling match between the two slights, clash of the non-titans. It must have been an equivalent of rooster fight of that era. May be he also placed mental bets on us. He must be a bored man after I left the school.

During college days, hostel terrace was a favorite spot for indulging in spirits. Remember spiritual well being? Terrace was cool, calm place with water tanks, lightening conducting rods pointing towards the sky as if to puncture the clouds, and an invitation to become Superman or Spiderman – missing parapets. During one such spiritual sorties on the terrace, there were unusual noises emanating from the lawns below and I curiously craned my neck over the missing parapet. One of the less spirited fellows cautioned me against the fall. The one with high levels had a belly laugh and announced – don’t worry, he wont thud his way down, he will float like a leaf and land safely.

Many times, spirits have sobering effect. We were discussing job prospects. Joining army was one option. Another belly laugh fellow cautioned me against doing that. His logic – you will always be posted in war zones as it will be difficult for the enemy forces to aim at and shoot such small target. That day, Indian army missed out on a brilliant doctor.

Largely, though that’s a misnomer for my size, I have had a disease-free life. On the surgical side, my appendix was removed and on the medical side, I had dengue. When I was a kid, I used to have episodes of sore throat for which penicillin was pumped into me. I guess so much penicillin was pumped into me, I became a store house for the same and it protected me from further infections. May be my blood group is penicillin positive.

Earlier I was taught not to irritate people. Somewhere down the line in five-decade life, I started enjoying irritating people. It is so much fun. I developed this art methodically and in a systematic way. I had to study human behavior in gross detail. My immediate targets were my family and my friends. Hardest part of being an irritant is the ability to keep cool and never ever to react to cross provocations. It’s a subtle art with huge returns. Its not about being sadistic, its about training people not to get irritated. Its like enduring a disease without dying. It can be called homeopathy equivalent of mental well being of WHO – bringing out the symptoms to cure the disease.

With time, my success rate has been increasing. When I irritate people, they start avoiding me like a disease. From being a slight fellow who managed to keep sickness at bay, whenever I am successful in my mission – I do feel like a disease, a disease that others have to endure !!!

Aug 8, 2018.

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